Just Jake #1 Read online

  GROSSET & DUNLAP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) LLC, 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

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  Text copyright © 2014 by Jake Marcionette. Illustrations copyright © 2014 by Victor Rivas Villa.

  Published by Grosset & Dunlap, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014. GROSSET & DUNLAP is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC. Manufactured in China.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 978-0-698-16756-8

  Version_1

  I DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO MY MOM & DAD! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, YOU TWO ARE THE BEST! . . . AND TO MY LATE GRANDMA AGNES FOR ALWAYS TELLING ME “WHAT TO DO IS UP TO YOU!” . . .

  THANKS, GRANDMA, I MISS YOU!

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: THANK YOU TO MY SISTER, ALEXIS, FOR GIVING ME SO MUCH MATERIAL TO WORK WITH BY JUST BEING YOU!

  You can learn more about Jake at www.justjake.com

  Wake Up!

  AWESOMENESS

  Kid Cards

  Bye-Bye, Florida

  Rude Maryland Kids

  First Day of School

  The New Kid

  Back to Earth

  I Keep Trying!

  Ranking System

  The REAL Wild Boy

  The Kinney Collection

  Crash & Burn

  Little Bro’s Betrayal

  The BIG Fight

  Payback

  Update on AWESOMENESS

  Oceanview Collection

  About the Awesome Author

  The hotel’s cheap alarm clock blared inches away from my head. I jumped out of bed in an absolute panic. It sounded like the room had been invaded by an eighties metal band.

  Bug-eyed and frantic, I saw my dad standing in the bathroom doorway already dressed and ready to go.

  “Nothing like a little Guns N’ Roses to get the adrenaline pumping,” he shouted over the deafening radio.

  “Come on, Dad! It’s 5:00 a.m. You said we could sleep until seven. Are you kidding with that alarm?” I protested.

  “Sorry, Jake,” he said. “A good soldier has to adapt to any and all circumstances. We need to bug out a bit earlier due to road construction. It’s a long trip to Maryland, so we need to get a move on.”

  Mom and Alexis still hadn’t moved a muscle, even though the alarm was screaming away. It takes a special ability to be able to sleep through anything. Evidently, I didn’t inherit my mom’s comatose gene.

  Dad hauled the first load of luggage off to the car and instructed me to wake the two Sleeping Beauties. “Well, now that I’m up . . . with pleasure!”

  I decided to tackle the most difficult assignment first. My big sister, Alexis, routinely treated me as her personal punching bag. To make matters worse, she HATED being woken up. This amounted to a lose-lose proposition for me. But I wasn’t going to let my dad down. I hoped Alexis would be too sleepy to go completely ballistic.

  I approached my sleeping teen sister as cautiously as a game warden would an anesthetized lioness. They know they need to get that radio collar on the animal, but they’re terrified the beast is going to wake up.

  I considered the situation for a second. Maybe I could just start whacking her with my pillow till she gets up. No, no, no . . . an early-morning hospital visit would be MOST unappreciated by my dad and I needed to make it to the car in one piece.

  Realizing what I had to do, I went in.

  “Alleeeexxxxxxiiiiiissssssss,” I cooed in my most soothing “baby” voice. Braced for the worst, I jumped back, anticipating a violent explosion of arms, pillows, and blankets.

  NOTHING!

  I tried the angelic approach one more time, but again, no sign of life. Dad wasn’t going to appreciate my lack of effort. He had given me a task, and I intended to complete it. The third time had to be the charm, and I had a plan.

  Approaching Alexis in pure stealth mode, my target was her beloved teddy bear, Mr. Chuckles. Very carefully, I rescued the bear from a nine-hour headlock. It was time for Chuckie to enjoy an unscheduled makeover.

  I started wrapping the bear in toilet paper. I was going for a mummified look—very ancient Egypt. Mr. Chuckles looked a little parched, so I grabbed Alexis’s water bottle and splashed his face with some refreshing H2O. Mr. Chuckles was finally ready for his face-to-face with Alexis.

  Shoving the furry little King Tut into Alexis’s face for a BIG WET MORNING KISS probably wasn’t my proudest moment. But my dad had ordered me to wake up Sleeping Beauty, so a soggy kiss from Prince Chuckles was the perfect solution! I knew Alexis would finally wake from her slumber. And she did!

  As she opened her eyes and furrowed her brow, the shriek in her voice assured me I had scared her good. “Mr. CHUCKLES!?!?!” she wailed, followed by a slight pause and a refocused priority. “YOU!! You are DEAD!”

  She grabbed me by the shirt collar, and it took everything I had to break free. However, we were in a crowded hotel room with two double beds, and I didn’t have much room for evasive maneuvers. Alexis was immediately on her feet and in pursuit of her tormentor.

  My only chance was to make it to the bathroom. Backing into the TV stand, I turned to run for the safety of the flimsy door and its push-button interior lock. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the load of luggage my dad had placed neatly in front of the closet door.

  BOOM! Down I went. Still thinking I had a shot to make it to the bathroom, I started crawling like an infant on his first playdate. My arms and legs were moving surprisingly fast, and I seemed to be cruising along . . . or so I thought. Actually, I wasn’t moving at all.

  Quickly, the excitement of my “escape” gave way to the downward pressure of a giant foot placed on the small of my back. Alexis wore a size 9½! She had caught her prey and was toying with me like a cat with a mouse.

  Flipping me over onto my back, Alexis pinned my face to the ground. Knowing about my severe germaphobia, I’m sure she enjoyed smashing my cheek into the sticky floor. I immediately envisioned a swarm of bedbugs infesting my hair. GROSS!!

  The struggle was escalating and getting louder by the second. Seriously, Mom, how do you sleep through this?!

  “Torturing Mr. Chuckles isn’t very FUNNY. He has FEELINGS!” Alexis said with an extra thrust. “Is the hotel floor tasty?”

  Then, like the bugle call of the cavalry coming to the rescue of a surrounded wagon train, I heard the unmistakable sound of a plastic room key being inserted, followed by the glorious click of the automatic door release. I looked up to see my dad’s smiling face.

  “Great work, Jake! I didn’t think you’d ever get her up. Way to go! Where’s Mom?” Dad asked, as he stepped over us to collect luggage load number two.

  With all the bags packed, checkout complete, and everyone accounted for, we were finally leaving Florida. It’s funny how life is sometim
es like baseball, with the pitcher suddenly throwing you a massive curveball you didn’t see coming. One moment you’re the King of School, the next you are dethroned and in search of a new kingdom in Maryland.

  Piling into the car, we were all exhausted. Except for the Big Guy! He was into his second cup of coffee and barking orders. I pretended to be too sleepy to understand. Acting like a morning zombie, I grabbed my favorite pillow and backpack and headed to Slumber Town. Wake me when we get to the amazing I-95 roadside attraction, South of the Border! As “Pedro” says, Jake needs more fireworks!

  Dad was not buying my sleepy act. He expected everyone to check, double-check, and CHECK AGAIN.

  “Keys?” CHECK.

  “Directions?” CHECK.

  “Everyone go to the bathroom?” OOPS! I appreciated the reminder.

  Dad HATES last-minute inconveniences. He shot me a look of utter amazement.

  “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!” Dad bellowed as I climbed out of the car and headed back into the hotel. I kept quiet, figuring it was best not to say anything. No need for a lecture on proper planning and time management. It’s WAAAAYY too early for that.

  That’s Dad’s specialty: telling someone what they did wrong and how they can improve. He actually does it for a living. He’s a management consultant, and companies basically pay him to analyze (aka harsh on) their businesses and tell them how they need to improve (i.e., how much they SUCK!).

  I don’t know why anyone would pay to be yelled at, but I guess I can’t complain. I get three square meals a day. Wait a minute!! I CAN complain . . . because of his stupid job, I had to leave the Sunshine State for MARY-land. What the heck is Maryland the state of, anyway? I know the University of Maryland mascot is a terrapin. So I’m giving up white-sand beaches, beautiful blue skies, Disney, and fantastic citrus for the state of slow-moving turtles? Fantastic!

  If you’ve ever tried sleeping in the backseat of a car, then you know how tough it is to get quality zzzs. Especially when your incredibly selfish sister keeps stealing your pillow.

  Since she outweighed me by a few TONS, I decided to let her have it. No need to get the honey badger all riled up so early in the trip.

  Yes, Alexis was big and mean, but at the end of the day, she was no match for me. Why? Because, unlike my dear sister, I was born with an extraordinary talent that’s superior to brute strength: AWESOMENESS! It’s a gift that keeps giving every day and takes many forms.

  See, with a name like Jake Ali Mathews, I had a lot of pressure on me from the start. My dad gave me the middle name Ali after Muhammad Ali, who is considered the best boxer of all time. His nickname is “the Greatest.” Thanks, Dad! No pressure here!?!

  Growing up, I got teased a ton about my name and my size.

  I wasn’t exactly the biggest kid on the playground. So I learned early on how to improve my chances for survival by developing my crazy ability to know exactly what adults want to hear, one of the many benefits of AWESOMENESS. Some might think of me as a scammer or a suck-up, but that’s just because they’re not me.

  I also understand the social hierarchy of middle school, like I understand sports. I know how the game is played and how to ALWAYS end up on top. Add to the equation my incredible intuition—sometimes it feels like I can predict the future—and a pit bull–like work ethic, and you have yourself AWESOMENESS in a nutshell.

  RULES OF AWESOMENESS #1

  LOOK OUT FOR NUMERO UNO—THAT’S YOU!

  I CAN ONLY PLEASE ONE PERSON PER DAY . . . AND THAT PERSON IS ME.

  FOR EVERYONE ELSE, SORRY, BUT TODAY IS NOT YOUR DAY. AND TOMORROW IS NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR YOU, EITHER. DON’T STRESS, THOUGH, BECAUSE YOU, TOO, CAN FOCUS ON YOU. GET IT? PUTTING “YOU” ABOVE ALL OTHERS DOES SOUND A TEENSY-WEENSY BIT SELFISH, BUT YOU’LL GET USED TO IT.

  Come to think of it, pit bulls probably don’t worry about being that AWESOME. I’m sure they’re very happy just terrorizing mailmen, appearing in music videos, and wearing cool spiky collars.

  Not everyone appreciates this character trait. Some of my classmates accuse me of taking myself too seriously. But middle school is serious business. I work hard to put myself in a position to crank the winning goal in lacrosse. Or go to the state science-fair finals. If I’m not pushing the limits of AWESOMENESS, then I’m not doing my job. Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

  Truth be told, my AWESOMENESS gets me into trouble from time to time, but the benefits are well worth the occasional black eye. My favorite use for my inexplicable AWESOMENESS is when I wield its mighty power against my HATERS.

  And there is no bigger HATER than my diabolical sister, the Queen of Mean! She keeps me on my toes and is a worthy adversary. But even Alexis, with her fake tears and ability to lie and not crack under parental interrogation, is no match for Jake the AWESOME.

  For example, not so long ago, I decided to turn on the TV while enjoying my breakfast on the couch. Alexis doesn’t get to watch TV in the morning, so I knew she would be angry when she saw me enjoying my ESPN. In my house, only honor-roll students enjoy that luxury. I think Mom is really onto something there.

  Knowing exactly what she would do, I strategically concealed my cell phone in the bookcase to record über-aggressive Alexis attacking me to regain control of the TV remote.

  Like a great white following one of those cutout seals the Shark Week guys tow behind their boats, Alexis soon came tearing into the living room to pounce. Too easy!

  In my attempts to capture the elusive Alexis in her natural environment, I always remember to take precautions. Plenty of pillows and cushions surrounded me as I awaited impact. A guy can get really hurt messing with a perfect killing machine.

  You need to understand, Alexis is no ordinary eighth-grade girl. She looks like a typical dorky drama llama with long blond hair that she takes great pride in for some reason.

  She’s preppy and can be polite, especially when our parents are around. Alexis is no dummy! She knows Mom and Dad hold the keys to her future—and the keys to a new car once she turns sixteen. Alexis plays the parent game well, but looks are deceiving. She’s freakishly strong, superathletic, lightning fast, and MEAN.

  Put it this way: She’s the only girl I’ve ever seen join a boys’ lacrosse team. Alexis had no fear of strapping on the pads and helmet and bodychecking boys twice her size. She absolutely dominates.

  And, of course, she HATES me like a good sister should, and my AWESOMENESS drives her crazy. If I were her, I’d hate me, too. I’m always two steps ahead of her feeble attempts to get me.

  That morning at breakfast was just another example of how AWESOMENESS defeats AGGRESSION every time. After the attack, and a quick presentation of video evidence to Mom, Alexis was banished to her room for an hour of folding laundry. I slid back into relaxation mode with my favorite show and a second bowl of cereal. CHOMP! CHOMP!

  Note to Alexis: I like my socks together, tightly rolled up in a neat little ball.

  RULES OF AWESOMENESS #2

  WORRYING ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY.

  KIDS HAVE A LOT GOING ON THESE DAYS, SO WORRYING ABOUT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING NOT WITHIN YOUR CONTROL IS FOOLISH AND POTENTIALLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. LET’S TAKE ALEXIS, FOR EXAMPLE. SHE CAN NO MORE DESTROY MY AWESOMENESS THAN SHE CAN STOP THE SUN FROM SETTING OR THE MOON FROM RISING. JUST LIKE HOW I KNOW HER CLEATS WILL ALWAYS SMELL LIKE SKUNK ROADKILL AND THAT SHE WILL NEVER ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOK.

  No doubt the Chuckles makeover infuriated Alexis and ignited her quest for revenge. Sitting within arm’s length of me in a cramped backseat for a nine-hour car ride provided Alexis with the perfect chance to deliver payback. But was I worried? Not one bit! I had AWESOMENESS on my side.

  As soon as Alexis awoke from her sleep-a-thon, I saw that look in her eye. She was bored, angry at being uncomfortable, and looking for trouble. Time for action!<
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  “DAD! Can you please remind Alexis about backseat- boundary rules,” I implored.

  Mom was asleep in the front, so I knew Dad would jump at this opportunity to set guidelines that would guarantee a hassle-free drive.

  “Hello, sweetie, nice to see you awake,” Dad said sarcastically to Alexis, shaking his head and giving me a look of assurance in the rearview mirror.

  “Yes, Jake is absolutely correct. In order for you two knuckleheads not to fight the entire trip, remember, your side of the seat starts at the door and ends at the armrest. DO NOT cross into Jake Territory. If you do, severe and swift penalties will be handed out. Namely, your cell phone WILL be confiscated and held until the end of the journey. DO YOU COPY?”

  Alexis didn’t know what hit her. One minute she was blissfully sleeping, and the next she was facing the ULTIMATE penalty in our house—cell-phone repo!

  RULES OF AWESOMENESS #3

  THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GREAT OFFENSE.

  NEVER SIT BACK AND BE THE VICTIM. ALWAYS BE ON THE OFFENSIVE, AND WHEN NECESSARY, SEEK THE AID OF A LARGER, MORE POWERFUL ALLY. PARENTS AND TEACHERS WORK PARTICULARLY WELL IN THIS ROLE.

  Once again, game . . . set . . . MATCH. There is nothing my dad hates more than backseat rumbling when he is trying to read his maps.

  That’s right, no turn-by-turn GPS in our car. Dad still relies on these crazy giant folded sheets of paper to get us from point A to point B. And the slightest distraction, especially during the refolding process, causes him to become unhinged.

  Going straight to cell-phone repo was a bold move, but not unexpected. I knew that would keep Alexis contained and quiet for the rest of the trip . . . and keep me BRUISE-FREE!

  Alexis went back to doing what she does best—SLEEPING, with a little bit of drooling.

  As I stared out the window, I noticed the landscape quickly change from palm trees to pine. I tried to stay positive. How exciting! This was going to be great. Just then, I noticed my Kid Cards shoe box on the floor of the car.